Shyness, being watched, not fitting in. « philosophy
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." - Galileo Galilei
» posted on 9:00pm - May 06 2009 | posted by eChO_gReEn
Do you ever feel like when you go to a mall, or somewhere there is a large amount of people, that your being watched? I don't mean in a stalker sort of way, just that your always being looked at. It could be me mostly, although another girl as admitted to feeling that way, although it could be because shes very good looking. I always feel this way because I'm very shy and nervous around other people. Its sad because its hard going places by myself (although I much prefer it than having my grandma, and heaven forbid my father, coming along). Its much better of course if I know them, but I get extremely self-conscious (I know I'm not spelling that right, but I never learned that word) when I'm around most people. Maybe its because I've only had mainly bad experiences with friends and friendships. Also people are always so judgmental, its hard to know who's really good or not. I've lost trust in most people and my only friend I trust is my best friend (and really only friend, Devon, tall and skinny). I'm chubby, not in my definition obese, especially because I'm so active and energetic and have a disease that makes me gain weight, no excuses though, I've only been loosing weight. I normally think I'm pretty, sometimes very pretty, but I try never to compare myself to anyone. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, even if you aren't religious, it usually makes since. My self-esteem isn't too good because of my shyness. My old friends have always said I would be a very unique model, so I'm interested in modeling, but very cautious at what type of modeling I would do and where it would be. It would be a confidence booster. I'm also very friendly, but I find that Its sometimes pretty artificial because its hiding how shy I am. I don't know if anyone else can honestly admit that's how it is sometimes. I would say I'm 1/2 extrovert, 1/2 introvert. I usually dress colorful and cheerful, because I'm attracted to bright colors, which automatically registers in peoples brains that I have a happier side. I always try to look on the positive side and help people with their problems, but I have a darker side that I always try to hide. I've mentioned random things to people at college I've talked to quite a bit and they just looked at me weird, in fact, I had no idea what they were thinking. So its often depressing I have to be careful what interests or thoughts I have to share. I know it may sound nerdy or weird to mention a "dark side" and I know everyone has opinions on what that is, but its mainly a feeling to various parts of life. Not that there should be anything called a "dark" or "light" side, but people have told me I need to focus on the light side and get out of the dark, and that's just music. If most people knew some of the things I think, they wouldn't understand at all. I'm in no means mentally ill and I honestly don't find myself TOO "weird", but I really can't change myself because of what other people say. If people ever ask me what my label is, I would say "Sevrina". That's who I am. I believe everyone has different interests and is human, there shouldn't be something labeling anyone. Even when I went with my grandma to an Oprah (rather go to a heavy metal concert) I hid my gold jewelery (it wasn't real, but it looked extremely real, I was trying to dress up because I had no idea how anyone else was going to look, and I hid most of my stuff because I didn't want anyone to think I was like anyone else at the Oprah, "rich and stuck-up", not extremely true. I've never honestly been in a dating relationship before, and sometimes I'm afraid to be because of past experiences, so it makes me even more curious to what its all about. Some people tell me its great to be single, and my aunt says I should always look for people who have a more positive side, than a darker one (which is what I normally get attracted to) but I like to think one day I'll find a guy who is so much like me with our interests and being able to share our thoughts with each other, I wont feel worried about telling him what I think. I don't know if this is confusing for anyone, but I've just been thinking about it a lot lately. Sometimes it really bothers me, but I'm not going to just jump into a friendship or relationship without really getting to know someone. I want to make sure their like me. After all, there are billions of people in the world, one of them as to be exactly like me, but a male.
My basic question, weather your a male or female; Do you currently or have you ever felt this way with shyness or low-self esteem, in your life?
Off to buy a gluten-free vegan cookbook in the mall, by myself. Another depressing thing, since that's all I can eat without getting sick. *Takes deep breath*. Another strange adventure. I'm avoiding hot topic (interesting store, but despise "mall goths". Knowing me, I'll probably go in there anyway, because I'll be curious, like I am everywhere.
Take Care All,
~Sev+
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