» posted on 3:43am - February 05 2010 | posted by Neglection

So, I just watched a movie titled Why Did I Get Married. I have to say, I found it a very real and truthful depiction of marriage, relationships, and the human condition. Granted, the movies main characters are all black, and I'm white, I still found it very true. It really makes me think about my views on marriage, and the roles that we play.

I don't really believe in marriage anymore. Don't get me wrong, I kind of like the idea, but I don't really think it should be how most people do it. If anyone reading this knows me very well, they will recall that I have been married once, and it did not turn out too well. See, people need change. I need change. I often times think that the only reason that I stayed married for so long is a stubborn attitude towards divorce, and my sense of loyalty. See, I value loyalty above all else, even above trustworthiness. But that is precisely my point. Yeah, I like being in relationships, I do. I really enjoy getting really close to someone, and I really enjoy falling in love. But I dont believe in love like I used to, and I think that people who get married for romantic love often times end up getting divorced because that love does not stay. See the love that keeps a couple together is the loyal type of love, the endearing love of another person as they are. I got married for a few reasons.

I got married because I was poor. I was in the military, and they were going to double my pay if I got married, so it was an easy choice. Secondly, I got married because deep down I'm scared of being alone. I also got married because I was tired of being alone. Another reason is because I was not sure what I really wanted out of a life partner, and because I naively thought that romantic love would carry a marriage through a whole life. Don't get me wrong, I loved her, I really did. I fell pretty hard for her and I really enjoyed it. I am not cantankerous about it nor do I lament my decision. But I recognize it now as a decision. See, love, the romantic kind, I think, is a conditioned response. We allow ourselves to fall in love, similarly we can disallow ourselves from falling in love. I got married for lots of reasons, and only really maybe one of them was the right one.

So what do I think of marriage now? I think it is a beautiful institution between people who, usually naively, believe that they will spend the rest of their lives together. Well, I still think it is beautiful. And I still, for the most part, want to dedicate the romantic part of my being to one person. But I don't really believe in only seeing that one person. See, I have come to the conclusion that I should care little about what I'm supposed to do, or what life is about. Fuck it. When I'm on my death bed, do you want to know what I think that I'll lament the most? Not trying to be happy. People find happiness all over, it does not really matter where you are or what you do, happiness can be found. I was happy in the mountains of Montana, I was happy in foreign ports, I was happy with my life with my wife. But the main focus of my life was not on happiness, it was on what I was supposed to be doing with my life. And consequentlly, happiness came second. Well, I say fuck that. I say make your happiness the number one priority in your life. Fuck society, fuck norms, fuck laws, they are all feeble and fleeting things. I could live in a thousand different civilizations and live by a thousand different laws and have a thousand different jobs, but if my focus was not on happiness, those lives are wasted. Almost everyone lives their lives by what they are supposed to do, but what you are supposed to do changes. What you are supposed to do is static and therefore fallible. There is no one true "what you are supposed to do". There is only one thing that links all those lives together, besides being alive. And that is happiness, each of them can search for happiness. So, if we can stip life of all of its pieces, and remove all the things that change over the ages, what do we have left? What would I tell myself to do if I lived to 200 years old? I'm pretty sure I would say fuck the rules, do what makes you happy. Wisdom is not in the answer, wisdom is in the solace of the search.

Which brings me to good and evil. Good, I theorize, is what is accepted, or thought of as admirable by the society that you most deeply associate with. While evil is the acceptance of the things that that society has labeled as evil or bad. Take murder for instance. Murder is wrong, no? But people have murdered for hundreds of thousands of years. To some gangs, murder is not evil or bad, it is good and expected. To some parts of the world it is thought of as the highest honor, to kill those who anger your sect. Now take sexual desires, they are the same thing. Some desires are labeled as good and some as bad. But in some parts of the world, those things are perfectly acceptable. What is the commonality? That people think about doing it, and in some cases do it. So what does that really mean? It means that it is natural, and maybe our views on it are what is skewed. Now, take rape, for instance. Rape is a common practice in many parts of the world, and is encouraged in some parts of Africa, for sure. Rape is fucked up, I'll put it there, but why do so many people fantasies about it? I have it on very good authority that many males and females actually have rape fantasies. If you do not believe me read My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday. What does it mean? It means that rape is not necessarily universally evil. It is wrong, in my opinion, to do it without consent. Funny, right, consensual rape. How does this play into my theory? Well, if you have desires, you should try to fulfill them. I'm not saying go out and rape, not at all, I'm saying that if you like it, other people probably like it too. Doing it with strangers is the same way. So are so many other countless taboo things that so many people repress because we are supposed to. Well, I say fuck it, respect other peoples rights, don't take it unless it is given, and have fun.

So, all in all, what is my take on marriage, roles, and life? The next time I really get serious with someone, and we want to get married I'm going to hold a mock wedding. We're going to get "married", just not legally. We're going to wear bands and live together and tell people we are married, we're just not going to go through the damn legal aspect. Why? Because if I am with someone, I want it to be because we both want to, not because some damn file in a database. I don't think that the pressure of marriage helped at all. Yeah, maybe 5 or more years down the road if we want to get it official, I'd maybe be up for that, but only once we are sure that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Also, yearly renewals. I want my marriage to end every year unless we both agree to renew it. Why? Because I want it to mean something. So, what else should be different? I don't necessarily believe in monogamy anymore. This goes into my whole unconditional love thing. I want to be with my life partner because I don't want anyone else, not because I can't go after anyone else. I want the ability to go and flirt and have a relationship with and have sex with other people. But if I really love that one person, and I really want to spend my life with them, I'll go back to them. And I want my life partner to be able to do the same thing. I want that type of mature relationship. I'm not sure why our parents never taught us that when we were growing up, it seems much more natural, much more loving, and much more fun.

Life partners because you need to, not because you have to. Because you can't live without, not because you must live with.

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