i havent done this in a while, and im not going to pretend that i care enough about anything right now to use proper grammar and punctuation... as the point of this blog thing is, in the end, supposed to be for me and getting things off my chest in an environment where i feel safe.

 

the last 5 months of my life have been nothing short of epic...and not in the best way possible. actually, it has been the polar opposite of the best way possible. i have allowed fear to overcloud my judgement, made choices i have spent my entire life platforming against. i have found out an entire boatload of medical problems that exist within me, all but one being completely out of my control, and i have become all together completely unable to ever deserve to be loved. not only in a romantic way, but also in the 'if you only knew all my dirty little secrets, and the things i have done, you wouldnt want me as your... daughter, sister, friend etc...' sort of way. nothing breaks my heart more than keeping something so major in my life a secret from the only people who could and would truly be there for me, for no other reason than the fact that i know if they knew the truth they would hate me as much i hate myself. and not t say that i am some lonely self depricating person. my self esteem isnt too far off from reality actually. i know i am an awesome girl, with a great personality and a whole lot to offer...blah blah blah, but i also know the some of the choices i have made out weigh all of that. and some things in life are non-negotiable. the few people who do the truth, and say 'they dont judge me or my decisions' but secretly all think, as do i, that i am the biggest hypocrite known to man, say im giving up... i say screw you. there is a difference between giving up, and accepting the reality that things wont happen. if i sit and wait and hope for something to happen, or even actively seek it out... that doesnt mean it will happen. in fact im almost certain it wont. i was almost certain it wouldnt proir to everything going on in the past couple of months, now im that much more certain it wont. accepting it now, instead of hoping, will make it soo much easier to live and enjoy life, easpecially when im right and it doesnt happen. if by some act of mercy by th universe it does happen for me then great. but theres no reason i should hope for it. i found the best quote for how im feeling and it is this:"One already wet does not feel the rain"... acceptance is the first step to moving on. and that is all i want for my life right now. why cant people just leave me alone, and allow to move on and accept things as i see fit? why tell me things will happen when you have no control over them and no idea if they ever will happen? just stop hoping for the best, only the best people get the best things in life, and that is not me... maybe it was at some point, but it isnt now. and im OKAY with being alone. im OKAY with accepting my life as it is... im not going to lie and say i prefer it this way, but im not going to be miserable about it, and not enjoy everything i can from the world around me either. i have to move past regret into a state of acceptance with myself, and the world, and people before i can start loving life again. and im ready to do that, if people will stop trying to "protect" me and just let me take the steps i need to take for me. i know, as my friend you are trying to make things seem better for me, but i cant hang on to hope. bc i cant and wont fix one more broken heart... i cant handle another dream crushed or anything even remotely close to it. i know my limits, and im at the end of the road for hope... if i take one more step out of "faith/hope/wishful thinking" and i fall off ledge i will NEVER be able to get back up... what is so wrong with just staying put and accepting that?