Blog Cherry

[ current mood | contemplative ] [ thinking about | thoughts ] So how am i supposed to go about this 'blogging'? Recently (as in for the past few months) I've been having an overflow of thoughts and ideas, and theories of all kinds (my favorite one being of conspiracy). This is the perfect outlet for me. I think this chaos of thoughts and these profound revelations came to me since i started taking my majors classes in literature. THAT'S when my mind went into overdrive, an exploding implosion. So there was an implosion in me, and this, THIS right here is the explosion-the result. If there was one thing i want to exist, but does not (yet), it would be a Pensieve. I could really use that right now. You know how they say, "organize your thoughts"? Well where does one start? One thought leads to another. A concrete example is how i use wikdepedia. Something interests me, catches my mind's eye, so i search it on wiki. Then there is a term or word or event that has to do with what I'm reading about, and i get curious about that. Two minutes later, i have two windows open full of tabs of, more often than not, "useless knowledge" (which i think are the best, most useful kind of knowledge when it counts). Did you know that all swans in England are property of King and/or Queen? And there is some state in America where it is ILLEGAL to whistle underwater. And did you ever think of who first ate the crab? Who on earth would think of eating such an ugly thing? With its hard shell and intimidating claws. I mean, who would know that such delicious meat would be found in such unappealing exterior? And who milked the first cow. I've thought of this, and maybe they figured that if humans can produce milk, then this animal with a sack of a tits-or udders- could carry milk. But this lead me to thinking, how come human milk isn't sold? I know the concept or the idea of it may sound disturbing or disgusting, but if you weren't used to drinking cow milk, you'd probably find it pretty BLEH too. Why is a raven like a writing desk? Because it is...Ok i think this has relieved my mind a little bit. Wow this is exhaustingly therapeutic [ comments | leave a comment ]

posted on: Tuesday - 8:57am - March 16 2010 · posted by: irmajustine

Hmmm

[ current mood | depressed ] [ listening to | Psychadelic Furs ] OK, so, as you may have read in my last entry, me a little fucked. The baby thing is over, that was, as they tastelessly say, taken care of. i still don't quite know how i feel bout that, other than feeling impotent in life, and not too comfortable. Things between me and the lady have been strained (weird, sometimes it's like we are actually a couple, instead of just good friends), but it looks like we might be getting back to ok. I say that, although my increasingly worsening paranoia seems to suggest many other things. Speaking of my paranoia, it's not like before, where it was just a voice in the back of my head. This time it seems to have started that way, and is now so an integral part of my thought processes, i can't tell the difference anymore. I'm constantly jumping at shadows, and suspicious of everyone (moreso than usual). The suicidal thoughts have returned with a vengeance greater than the Tyrant claims. It's not funny anymore, it's the first thing i think of when i wake up, it's there all day, and it's the last thought at night, now that i am actually sleeping (which is good, i had forgotten that). I still despise my job, but i can't even leave that, as i owe my ex just shy of 12 grand, and she's back from her wanderings, and wants to collect, which i honestly can't deny her, it's just real bad timing on her count. Despondent. Impotent. Depressed. Paranoid. Suicidal. And desperately wanting to have never existed. i think that about sums me up right now. Fuck. [ comments | leave a comment ]

posted on: Monday - 3:37pm - March 15 2010 · posted by: Nemo Metis

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posted on: Monday - 6:09am - March 15 2010 · posted by: xcom

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posted on: Sunday - 9:08pm - March 14 2010 · posted by: TuLzie

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posted on: Wednesday - 9:34pm - March 10 2010 · posted by: xcom

good day

Today, was an awesome day. I chilled with my neighbor all day. I feel like an 8th grader doing the summer paper. So now it's time for me to talk about today. First thing in the morning, I woke up and headed towards my neighbors house. Arrived at the scene of inquisition and received a half blunt, which was a survivor from last night, to be OWNED by MEN. Afterward, we just had a nice jam session. Then time passes by, 20 minutes, and my brother swings by to do some jamming as well. We were using a guitar and another instrument, it looks like a bat and it sounds like an elephant if done properly. Headed out to get a joy ride and took along the music necessities. After the small joy ride, we went to the university and this I say, is where the magic took place. We jammed with three drummer guys who had their little drums. I played "new born" by MUSE, it came out delicious! And after that one specific song, which got played multiple times, we branched into making anything up. It was pretty good. And in the midst of all of this, I got to smoke one of those BLACK cigarettes. It tasted like tears from small baby angels... Anyways, BUTTERTOAST!!! [ comments | leave a comment ]

posted on: Friday - 5:12am - March 05 2010 · posted by: RoCkInSmUrF

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posted on: Friday - 8:38am - February 26 2010 · posted by: TuLzie

catch up

[ current mood | annoyed ] [ listening to | sharon den adel ] Well it's been a while, so i thought i should update. Well, i got screwed by the benefits people, who turned around and said there is nothing wrong with me (obvious really, i mean its not like i'm seeing a consultant psychiatrist for mental health reasons is it now?). This meant having to get a job, which i've been at for about a month or so now, and can barely cope. I took it for three reasons: 1) it was gotten for me through family, which pretty much meant i had to take it. 2) i thought a dull warehouse job might get me out of my head and keep my mind occupied. yeah, right. and 3) i had no other source of income. The whole thing sucked from the beginning, and still sucks now. In other news, i'm kinda seeing someone. it's complicated. she is quite possibly the most gorgeous looking woman i've ever laid eyes on, and somehow she doesn't find me repulsive, which is a plus! We have known each other for a while, as her parents and my mother go to the same church, and we've been going round for xmas every year for a few years now. she isa few years older than me, and has two kids, none of which bother me in the slightest. I know your waiting for it, so i'll end your suspense: yes, i kinda screwed up a little, and we're going against my own moral thinking onthe matter by terminating, but she's up duff, something neither of us can afford in anyway shape or form at the moment. Ah yes i mentioned complicated didn't I? Yeah, other than maybe a handful of people, noone knows anything about us. Thats because of our mental states; mine not being brilliant, and hers the same, but for wildly differing reasons. See, our parents (regardless of us both being adults) would go schiz, and probably disown us. What else? Oh yeah, i mentioned the consultant shrink from the rural mental health team. took him almost a month to send me a copy of his notes fromour meeting. Let me be absolutely clear here, the guy hasn't go a fucking clue. he missed out so many crucial things, decided that i am depressed with narcissistic personality disorder, then goes on to rightly say that my arrogance is blatantly a front and a defence mechanism. Think that's bad? He sent another copy TO THE WRONG FUCKING DOCTOR!!! That's right, he sent a copy to my old doctor, instead of my current GP, the one who got me an appointment with him in the first place! The story gets better, i call up about a week later, wondering why i hadn't had another appointment booked. Nothing had been done, they had forgotten i had called the monday following my first appointment after filling out the personality questionnaire as requested. After mentioning it had been a month since i'd heard anything, his secretary's voice changed into panic mode, and i got an appointment for this thursday morning. Bollocks or what? Other than that, not much going on really. Seen Boondock Saints 2; All Saints Day, could have been better, but could have been a hell of a lot worse. Oh, and I'm going to get a motorbike. And thats how Alex sees it (sue me, I like Glee). As ever, Fuck. [ comments | leave a comment ]

posted on: Tuesday - 10:50pm - February 23 2010 · posted by: Nemo Metis

Amazing.

Absolutely amazing. [ comment | leave a comment ]

posted on: Sunday - 10:11pm - February 14 2010 · posted by: Britt

Why Did I Get Married

[ current mood | thoughtful ] [ thinking about | life ] So, I just watched a movie titled Why Did I Get Married. I have to say, I found it a very real and truthful depiction of marriage, relationships, and the human condition. Granted, the movies main characters are all black, and I'm white, I still found it very true. It really makes me think about my views on marriage, and the roles that we play. I don't really believe in marriage anymore. Don't get me wrong, I kind of like the idea, but I don't really think it should be how most people do it. If anyone reading this knows me very well, they will recall that I have been married once, and it did not turn out too well. See, people need change. I need change. I often times think that the only reason that I stayed married for so long is a stubborn attitude towards divorce, and my sense of loyalty. See, I value loyalty above all else, even above trustworthiness. But that is precisely my point. Yeah, I like being in relationships, I do. I really enjoy getting really close to someone, and I really enjoy falling in love. But I dont believe in love like I used to, and I think that people who get married for romantic love often times end up getting divorced because that love does not stay. See the love that keeps a couple together is the loyal type of love, the endearing love of another person as they are. I got married for a few reasons. I got married because I was poor. I was in the military, and they were going to double my pay if I got married, so it was an easy choice. Secondly, I got married because deep down I'm scared of being alone. I also got married because I was tired of being alone. Another reason is because I was not sure what I really wanted out of a life partner, and because I naively thought that romantic love would carry a marriage through a whole life. Don't get me wrong, I loved her, I really did. I fell pretty hard for her and I really enjoyed it. I am not cantankerous about it nor do I lament my decision. But I recognize it now as a decision. See, love, the romantic kind, I think, is a conditioned response. We allow ourselves to fall in love, similarly we can disallow ourselves from falling in love. I got married for lots of reasons, and only really maybe one of them was the right one. So what do I think of marriage now? I think it is a beautiful institution between people who, usually naively, believe that they will spend the rest of their lives together. Well, I still think it is beautiful. And I still, for the most part, want to dedicate the romantic part of my being to one person. But I don't really believe in only seeing that one person. See, I have come to the conclusion that I should care little about what I'm supposed to do, or what life is about. Fuck it. When I'm on my death bed, do you want to know what I think that I'll lament the most? Not trying to be happy. People find happiness all over, it does not really matter where you are or what you do, happiness can be found. I was happy in the mountains of Montana, I was happy in foreign ports, I was happy with my life with my wife. But the main focus of my life was not on happiness, it was on what I was supposed to be doing with my life. And consequentlly, happiness came second. Well, I say fuck that. I say make your happiness the number one priority in your life. Fuck society, fuck norms, fuck laws, they are all feeble and fleeting things. I could live in a thousand different civilizations and live by a thousand different laws and have a thousand different jobs, but if my focus was not on happiness, those lives are wasted. Almost everyone lives their lives by what they are supposed to do, but what you are supposed to do changes. What you are supposed to do is static and therefore fallible. There is no one true "what you are supposed to do". There is only one thing that links all those lives together, besides being alive. And that is happiness, each of them can search for happiness. So, if we can stip life of all of its pieces, and remove all the things that change over the ages, what do we have left? What would I tell myself to do if I lived to 200 years old? I'm pretty sure I would say fuck the rules, do what makes you happy. Wisdom is not in the answer, wisdom is in the solace of the search. Which brings me to good and evil. Good, I theorize, is what is accepted, or thought of as admirable by the society that you most deeply associate with. While evil is the acceptance of the things that that society has labeled as evil or bad. Take murder for instance. Murder is wrong, no? But people have murdered for hundreds of thousands of years. To some gangs, murder is not evil or bad, it is good and expected. To some parts of the world it is thought of as the highest honor, to kill those who anger your sect. Now take sexual desires, they are the same thing. Some desires are labeled as good and some as bad. But in some parts of the world, those things are perfectly acceptable. What is the commonality? That people think about doing it, and in some cases do it. So what does that really mean? It means that it is natural, and maybe our views on it are what is skewed. Now, take rape, for instance. Rape is a common practice in many parts of the world, and is encouraged in some parts of Africa, for sure. Rape is fucked up, I'll put it there, but why do so many people fantasies about it? I have it on very good authority that many males and females actually have rape fantasies. If you do not believe me read My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday. What does it mean? It means that rape is not necessarily universally evil. It is wrong, in my opinion, to do it without consent. Funny, right, consensual rape. How does this play into my theory? Well, if you have desires, you should try to fulfill them. I'm not saying go out and rape, not at all, I'm saying that if you like it, other people probably like it too. Doing it with strangers is the same way. So are so many other countless taboo things that so many people repress because we are supposed to. Well, I say fuck it, respect other peoples rights, don't take it unless it is given, and have fun. So, all in all, what is my take on marriage, roles, and life? The next time I really get serious with someone, and we want to get married I'm going to hold a mock wedding. We're going to get "married", just not legally. We're going to wear bands and live together and tell people we are married, we're just not going to go through the damn legal aspect. Why? Because if I am with someone, I want it to be because we both want to, not because some damn file in a database. I don't think that the pressure of marriage helped at all. Yeah, maybe 5 or more years down the road if we want to get it official, I'd maybe be up for that, but only once we are sure that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Also, yearly renewals. I want my marriage to end every year unless we both agree to renew it. Why? Because I want it to mean something. So, what else should be different? I don't necessarily believe in monogamy anymore. This goes into my whole unconditional love thing. I want to be with my life partner because I don't want anyone else, not because I can't go after anyone else. I want the ability to go and flirt and have a relationship with and have sex with other people. But if I really love that one person, and I really want to spend my life with them, I'll go back to them. And I want my life partner to be able to do the same thing. I want that type of mature relationship. I'm not sure why our parents never taught us that when we were growing up, it seems much more natural, much more loving, and much more fun. Life partners because you need to, not because you have to. Because you can't live without, not because you must live with. [ comments | leave a comment ]

posted on: Friday - 3:43am - February 05 2010 · posted by: Neglection